When Good Enough Never Feels Enough: Unpacking Perfectionism

Why we strive for perfection and how to embrace imperfection instead

What is perfectionism?

Perfectionism is a term often thrown around in the media and therapy, making it seem like it's just about being perfect. But what does it really mean?

At its core, perfectionism is the tendency to hold ourselves—or others—to unrealistically high standards. It often comes with a fear of making mistakes, a need for constant approval, and harsh self-criticism.

We live in a world of constant comparison, always striving to achieve more and do it better. The problem? We keep raising the bar, trying to match where we think others’ bars are set. When we inevitably fall short of our own unrealistic expectations, we feel like we’ve failed. Even when we do meet our goals, if we don’t receive validation—either from ourselves or others—it still doesn’t feel like enough. There’s always room for improvement, or so we tell ourselves.

As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know how difficult it can be to recognize all the areas where perfectionism takes root and spreads. One way to start identifying it in your own life is by paying attention to the way you describe yourself and your actions to others. When we look beneath our behaviors and feelings—examining what drives us and our core beliefs about ourselves—we begin to uncover why we think this way.

Ask yourself:

• When someone criticizes you, do you instinctively feel defensive?

• When you fall short of your goals, how do you speak to yourself?

• Looking back on past events, do you fixate on areas where you “failed”?

• When others make mistakes, do you give them grace, but when you make the same mistake, it feels unacceptable?

• Do you avoid opportunities because you're afraid you won’t meet your own or others’ expectations?

If these questions resonate with you, perfectionism might be playing a bigger role in your life than you realize. So, where does it come from?

The roots of perfectionism

When exploring where our struggles, thoughts, or behaviors come from, I often consider the classic debate of nature vs. nurture—and perfectionism is no exception. Some aspects of perfectionism are rooted in genetics, influencing how we perceive and respond to challenges. However, more often than not, our environment plays a significant role in shaping these tendencies.

Growing up in a perfectionistic household, consuming social media messages that glorify flawlessness, or having certain mental health predispositions can all contribute to perfectionism. Over time, these influences seep into our thinking, shaping the way we view ourselves and our achievements.

Take a moment to reflect: Where have you received messages of perfectionism?

• Think about the environment you grew up in and the one you’re in today.

• Consider the people you surround yourself with—family, friends, colleagues.

• Reflect on the social media you consume and the subtle (or not-so-subtle) messages it sends about success, appearance, and achievement.

By stepping back and examining these influences, we can begin to recognize where our perfectionistic tendencies come from—an essential first step in challenging them.

Okay fine – I’m a perfectionist… Now what?

While perfectionism can take a toll on our mental health and how we interact with the world, not all aspects of it are bad. Setting high standards, striving for growth, and pushing yourself to do better can be positive traits. The key is how we respond when we fall short of our expectations.

Instead of fixating on what we didn’t achieve, let’s celebrate what we did. Shifting our mindset from self-criticism to self-compassion can make all the difference. Here are some of my top recommendations for managing perfectionism in a healthy way:

• Practice Self-Compassion
  Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend. Acknowledge your efforts, celebrate your successes—big or small—and remind yourself that trying in the first place is an accomplishment.

• Set Realistic Goals
  It’s great to challenge yourself, but avoid setting yourself up for failure with impossible expectations. Start with small, attainable goals and work toward long-lasting, healthy change.

• Accept That Mistakes Are Inevitable
  Mistakes aren’t failures—they’re learning opportunities. Nobody is perfect. In fact, making mistakes is one of the most human things we do. Try embracing imperfection instead of fearing it.

• Do Regular Check-Ins
  Pause every so often and reflect: Where is perfectionism showing up in your life? The more often you check in with yourself, the easier it becomes to recognize and challenge those perfectionistic tendencies before they take over.

By making these small but intentional shifts, you can break free from the cycle of perfectionism and cultivate a healthier, more balanced mindset.